“…in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” – Proverbs 11:14
Wisdom comes from many sources.
I’ve been rereading Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras as I work to revive my yoga practice after more than a year away from what was once my daily existence. There, I ran across this gem:
“By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.”
Patanjali describes four “keys” to dealing with four different situations. The keys are friendliness, compassion, delight, and disregard.
He also describes four “locks” which are happy people, unhappy people, the virtuous, and the wicked. At any point in time any person can fall into one of these four positions. We move in and out of them many times each day.
The advice of this sutra is to meet happy people with the key of friendliness. Often, when others are happy while we’re down it’s hard to be happy for them. Most of us have felt that at times, and we’ve certainly encountered people who couldn’t seem to be happy for us when we were riding high. When we’re having a tough time, it gets easier to slip into a place where jealousy or some other kind of discord takes root. If you’re having trouble making your rent and a neighbor rolls up in their new car, you might (understandably for a moment) think, “That must be nice, her parents have money, so she gets a nice car and I’m struggling to barely get by!” This kind of attitude and thinking won’t hurt your neighbor in the fancy new car, though – they hurt you. Your own situation is made even worse with that, now the rent is a problem, and your feelings are even lower. If you can acknowledge what may seem like knee-jerk thoughts and say back to yourself, “She’s so fortunate, I hope everyone experiences that one day,” we can shift that attitude and keep some hold on our own peace. This is a neighbor we can wave at, wish well, and keep our internal peace. We might even learn something by befriending someone in a different circumstance than our own.
When encountering unhappy people, I think many of us try to give advice. We try to “fix” it for them, and unless they ask, that often results in a strained relationship. Other times we can be judgmental. We might think, “Such and so should be able to pay their rent, and be happy, but because she spends her money on this other thing, she can’t, so her unhappiness is her own fault!” We pass judgment, and now, we’ve stepped down into a place that isn’t peaceful, and it certainly isn’t helpful. Compassion is important. We can offer people compassion when they’re low. We can share with others, or even just momentarily put ourselves in the mindset of, “I don’t know everything about this person, I’m sure their position isn’t easy.” Offering compassion rarely results in us having a bad day.
The third “lock” are virtuous people. Have you ever encountered someone that seems to have it all together, to be truly blessed, to be “good”? Sometimes the response to that is to assume they aren’t as “good” as they seem; to pick them apart in judgment. Other times it might be to envy their virtue. Patanjali recommends the “key” of being delighted. Appreciation of the qualities you observe in these people can be helpful at staying out of judgment and preserving your own peace. There are things to be learned here, too. We can be thankful for their good qualities and look for ways to cultivate them in our own lives.
The final lock is what is labeled “wicked”. Everyone at some point meets someone we’d describe that way. It probably pains us to think of, but we can fall into that category on any given day too. How to handle this is something that clients and I work on frequently. The best path forward is indifference (disregard). Giving this person advice, trying to get them to see your side of things, or explaining things to them are great ways to completely forfeit your own peace. They aren’t in a place to hear you. Instead, take a step back. Recognize that they’re in the state they are for reasons that you don’t fully know and can’t be responsible for. Maybe even acknowledge that you too have been in that mindset before, and you changed after a time. Release the person and remove yourself from the situation.
Clearly, there are exceptions to every rule – nuance and situation, relationships and the level of closeness we have with a person may dictate different responses, but the wisdom within this particular Sutra really resonates with me. If peace is your goal, maybe one of these “keys” will be helpful on the way.
See you in session!
Whitney
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