I do a lot of narcissistic abuse recovery work with clients, and a recurring theme in that work is the survivor showing up in therapy with a sense of rush.
Rush to “get better”, rush to go back to life as “normal”, rushing to do things. Many times when we drill down into that, what lies underneath is old programming or training from the narcissist. They wanted us to hurry.
Hurry up ordering your dinner, getting from point A to B on vacation, getting ready to go out. Hurry, hurry, now!
This leaves us feeling like we’re slow, we’re not normal, we are single handedly ruining someone else’s time, just by meeting our own needs.
Hogwash! Or, as we say in Texas, bullshit.
Let’s unpack why the rush shows up in a narcissistically abusive relationship.
Rushing you means you don’t get your needs met.
When your needs aren’t met, you become upset or off-kilter, which makes you easier to manipulate.
When you become upset, the narcissist feeds on that. They’re now in control! Sweet relief for the narcissist! (There’s the common language that a narcissist is an ‘emotional vampire’ and this is why.)
Rushing must mean you’re slow, you’re the problem, right? Or at least that’s what the narcissist puts out there.
When you buy in and feel responsible for their feelings and start trying to fix or avoid them by rushing: cha-ching! You’re now babysitting their feelings, which was a goal all along. They can’t handle them, and somebody’s gotta.
Your buy in to this reality, that you’re slow and flawed also boosts their ego. They’re right, you’re wrong. The world makes sense (to them) again.
You’ve also successfully been gaslit into believing you’re a problem.
Can I get a ‘yikes!’?
Being constantly told to hurry up is a common way this kind of abuse shows up. It’s a covert way to abuse and control. No marks, and hey - maybe you are slower than average to get moving.
To be clear, feeling rushed or told to hurry isn’t always abuse or coming from a narcissist. Frequency, context, and lots of other things factor in. But, this is a theme for many people that I haven’t found addressed plainly in the available literature.
If, on the other side of narcissism in your daily life you find yourself scrambling to an internal voice or urge to avoid anger from others by doing so, you may have been “trained” into that behavior by someone else.
How to cope?
Slooooooow down. Slow all the way down. When you notice you’re rushing, pause. Breathe. Roll your neck, slowly. Move into your favorite yoga pose, slowly. Hold it. Sit down. Stop moving! S-T-O-P. Stop whatever you’re doing.
Questions what’s going on. Question your thoughts. Are you personally running behind for an appointment or something important to you? If that’s the case, the hurry is yours. Proceed in whatever way is best for you. Are you hurrying based on an internal perception that you must to avoid anger/for someone else? Has that person told you to hurry? Or are you interpreting a sigh or glance to mean you should hurry? (You aren’t responsible for interpreting, so ask, or let them say what they mean!) Is it actually detrimental if you don’t rush right now? Or is the urge to rush coming from inside? From old internal programming that helped you survive someone else’s presence but isn’t necessarily applicable now?
Figure that out, then act accordingly.
Reminder: I’m a therapist but not your therapist - so, if you’re not sure what applies to you, take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and find a therapist! If you’re in Texas, send me a message!
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